Signs of Change

You are the best judge of whether your partner is changing. If you feel that there is no change, trust that feeling regardless of other signs. This list does not intend to suggest that these signs mean your partner has definitely changed, but merely includes indicators that change MAY be starting. Unfortunately, abusers are very good at manipulation, and may show signs of change or make it seem like they have changed without actually having changed.

• Has your partner completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten you?
• Can you express anger without being punished for it?
• Does it feel safe to bring up topics that you know your partner disagrees with?
• Can your partner listen to your opinion and respect it, even when disagreeing with you?
• Does your partner argue without being abusive or having to be right?
• Does your partner respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?
• Has your partner stopped expecting you to do things that you may not want to do?
• Can you spend time with friends or family without being afraid that your partner will retaliate? Can you do other things that are important to you, such as go to school or get a job?
• Are you comfortable with the way your partner interacts with the children?
• Do you feel safe leaving the children with your partner?
• Does your partner support you and give compliments?
• Does your partner listen to what you have to say?
• Does your partner do enough housework and childcare?

Signs of NOT Changing

• Signs of NOT Changing
• Does your partner tell you that you are the one that is abusive?
• Does your partner use Emerge group sessions or information against you in any way?
• Is your partner pressuring you to go to therapy for yourself or couples counseling for the two of you?
• Is your partner minimizing the abuse in the Emerge group? (You can ask the group leaders what your partner is reporting in the groups.)
• Does your partner demand a second chance?
• Does your partner say that it is impossible to change without your support?
• Does your partner try to get sympathy from you or the children?
• Do you have to keep after your partner to attend Emerge meetings and stay in the program?
• Does your partner expect something in return from you for attending Emerge?
• Is your partner pressuring you to make up your mind about the relationship or to move back in together?
• Is your partner pressuring you to drop criminal charges or your restraining order?
• Is your partner attempting to blackmail you into dropping criminal charges or your restraining order?

Abusers may pressure you to stay with them while they attend Emerge; this is a tactic of abuse and control. If they are serious about changing, they will respect your wishes about the relationship.

*Credit for this is given to the Emerge Program